agirllost | Something's gotta give

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Something's gotta give

Kim has a small pile of books near her bed. They have titles like Attack Proof: The Ultimate Guide to Personal Protection and The Elite Forces Handbook of Unarmed Combat. She's sick of being a victim and she needs to remember what she's learned in the past while picking up some new skills. Part of her thinks she should ask her dad for help, but, she wants to do this on her own.

'A sexy foreigner could help...' that little voice whispers and she ignores it, continuing with her reading. She wishes she could fight magic with magic, but instead she's a muggle. So, she just has to ignore that small suggestion that's not even from her mind. The last few days have been a disaster. Although, at least she and Tony had reached a new understanding, and for first time in months she could say that they were truly friends. When she thinks of some of the things she said to her dad though...and she kissed Paul, and...she groans thinking about how much of a mess she's made of things.

She's also sick of this 'don't touch me' feeling she has whenever anyone gets too close. 'You're stronger than this,' she thinks. But maybe she isn't, she's not sure anymore, but she hopes the books will help.

And she hopes that Angela's okay and has no idea what's going on because this could be so traumatizing to her.

She feels bad for not being around Angela and misses her, but probably...being around her right now would cause more harm than good.

As she was telling everyone everything in her mind though, one fact became painfully clear. She loves Chase but right now...something isn't working. She knows she's hurting him and she knows that he's not happy. But, he will never admit it.

Something has to change or she fears they won't last. She's frustrated that he thinks she's angry at him, no matter how many times she tells him that her unhappiness is not his fault. No, it's a battle with herself and she has to win or she'll either need constant protection or meet a bad end.

And she wants to change. Soon, she'll get up and start practicing some of the moves in the books, but for now, she's just researching.

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Fuck if Chase knows what's going on any more than Kim or the muns do.

He stands outside staring at the door for a full two minutes before knocking.

Kim goes to the door and opens it. She looks down and gently bites her lip.

"Hi,"

You're speaking to me. That's good.

He stares at the floor. "When were you going to tell me you slept with Tony?" he whispers.

He's not angry, and doesn't sound it. He's just hurt, and desperately confused.

She swallows around a sudden tightness in her throat. "I was going to, it just never...I'm sorry, I should have told you."

"When was this? And...why?"

"When I first came to the bar. Um, after Tony's first suicide attempt. I didn't mean...things were weird at home and you weren't really there and..."

"Yeah. He said you said I was distant." No, he won't look up from the floor.

"So I knew about this before? Allegedly?"

"You did, um...when you came into the bar the first time it was still going on"

"Oh. And so you only stopped when I found out about it. Or did you, even? I mean, how long did this go on for after I showed up?"

Yeah, now he's getting a little angry.

"It stopped when you arrived...we weren't right for each other, it wasn't right, I wasn't in love with him..."

Eyes narrowed, he starts to say something, and pauses. He's angry, yes. And he's cynically disinclined to believe that she's really in love with him, at the moment.

But he can't quite bring himself to say something truly furious or nasty.

"Fine," he mutters. "I'll take your word for that."

"It's the truth. It...it only started because he needed someone. He's just a friend, Chase. We were just keeping each other company."

She glances up at him, "And you forgave me for it before."

"You can keep someone company without having sex with them, Kim! I keep Chloe company when she's upset about things and needs someone, but I don't sleep with her!"

He's kept this too bottled-up over the past few days, even with the truth spell. He's shut it out and not thought about it and now he has to, and it hurts.

"And how do I know I really forgave you for it? All I have is your word, because I don't remember! And how can I trust your word now when I couldn't even trust you not to go jumping into bed with Tony when I wasn't there?"

There. He's said it.

"I know that, Chase...just...he was lonely and suicidal and I...we shared something," she explains badly. She can't put into words what those first few weeks were like at Milliways and the way she and her dad weren't talking and the confusion and loneliness.

"Because you did! I can't...we were together when you left which means that you forgave me. It took a few days, but you did, because you understood, because...what happened in September changed a lot of things."

He flexes his hand, unconsciously, feeling a sudden pain in it for no reason at all.

"Yeah. Of course it changed a lot of things. But did it really make me such a shitty boyfriend that you would go fuck Tony the minute my back was turned because I was just making you that miserable?"

It's a serious question.

"Your back wasn't turned - you weren't here. I didn't know when or if I was ever going to get out and yes, things between us were kind of bad because you were distant and moody and mourning your hand and I had to take care of Angela and we were going through a bad spot. But I know that things got better later."

That, honestly, is what hurts more than her affair...that he was really, honestly that distant, that bad. That I drove her to it.

He can't argue this anymore. He turns away. "How did they get better?" His voice is dark, cynical, filled with pain.

"I don't know, but my dad, he said that when he visited us at Christmas...we were happy. And I love you."

Her chest aches a little at the pain in his voice. She's hurting him and there's no way to fix it.

He has to look up at her there. "Still? Even after everything that's been happening?"

She nods, "I...you don't remember but you...I already knew that you had - that you were bi-sexual. You told me before, a while ago, before you left. And...what do you mean after everything?"

Everyone knows he's bisexual now, and he has to resign himself to that. Somehow it...almost makes him feel better to know that he'd told Kim first, of his own volition. But nothing is really enough for that now.

"After what happened with Ramon. After the spell. You haven't been talking to me in weeks. You haven't let me anywhere near you to try to help you in weeks. Nothing I say is able to help even a little bit."

She looks up, "But that's my fault. Not yours. I've been very...I was okay until Ramon, Chase, I was I was so happy that Angela was here and we were a family. I..." she looks down again, "I was afraid that you found out that I let him kiss me and thought I was...damaged in some way."

"You thought I--what?"

He's honestly incredulous, and horrified. That hurts.

"How could you believe I'd think that? Do you really think I'm that kind of person, Kim?"

"No, but you didn't come back after that argument with my dad and I...I was feeling, I am feeling kind of vulnerable and angry with myself for not being able to stop him. I thought that...I don't know what I was thinking."

"I know. I know, all right?" he says quietly. "Kim, I know we need to talk about this. But we've both argued this at least three times before. We can't get anywhere if we just keep arguing about this."

He leans his forehead against the door frame. "I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry. I don't know how I can apologize enough. I left because I didn't know what to say to you. Not because I was ashamed of you, or because I thought you were damaged. I just didn't know what to say. And I was so mad...so fucking mad at Salazar that I wouldn't have been able to control myself. And that would have upset Angela, would have made things worse with you...

"I fucked it up, all right? I didn't handle it the right way. Not you. And I just don't feel like you can forgive me for fucking up like I did."

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