agirllost | Something's gotta give

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Something's gotta give

Kim has a small pile of books near her bed. They have titles like Attack Proof: The Ultimate Guide to Personal Protection and The Elite Forces Handbook of Unarmed Combat. She's sick of being a victim and she needs to remember what she's learned in the past while picking up some new skills. Part of her thinks she should ask her dad for help, but, she wants to do this on her own.

'A sexy foreigner could help...' that little voice whispers and she ignores it, continuing with her reading. She wishes she could fight magic with magic, but instead she's a muggle. So, she just has to ignore that small suggestion that's not even from her mind. The last few days have been a disaster. Although, at least she and Tony had reached a new understanding, and for first time in months she could say that they were truly friends. When she thinks of some of the things she said to her dad though...and she kissed Paul, and...she groans thinking about how much of a mess she's made of things.

She's also sick of this 'don't touch me' feeling she has whenever anyone gets too close. 'You're stronger than this,' she thinks. But maybe she isn't, she's not sure anymore, but she hopes the books will help.

And she hopes that Angela's okay and has no idea what's going on because this could be so traumatizing to her.

She feels bad for not being around Angela and misses her, but probably...being around her right now would cause more harm than good.

As she was telling everyone everything in her mind though, one fact became painfully clear. She loves Chase but right now...something isn't working. She knows she's hurting him and she knows that he's not happy. But, he will never admit it.

Something has to change or she fears they won't last. She's frustrated that he thinks she's angry at him, no matter how many times she tells him that her unhappiness is not his fault. No, it's a battle with herself and she has to win or she'll either need constant protection or meet a bad end.

And she wants to change. Soon, she'll get up and start practicing some of the moves in the books, but for now, she's just researching.

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"I think he probably would have." And the smile is back, just a little teeny bit.

"Probably," she smiles just a tiny bit in return and then sobers quickly.

"Chase...obviously this isn't working. But I don't want to lose you."

"No, it's not," he agrees, no longer smiling. He pauses.

"But we have to find something that does. Because I can't lose you either."

"Okay, um, tell me what you think needs to change."

He leans back against the doorframe and thinks.

"I just wish," he says slowly, "that you would have more faith in yourself...that you'd actually listen to Jack and me when we try to tell you that things aren't as bad as you think they are. You just completely block it out and totally refuse to let me help you, because you won't believe a word I say, and you're completely insistent on believing the worst about yourself even when we're all saying it isn't true. I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't mean it."

"Chase, have you not noticed who my dad is? That...runs in the family."

"I know. I bitched him out for it, too."

"He must have...loved that."

"I was under the truth spell. What could either of us have done about it?"

"Not much...I...oh some of the things I said under the truth spell," she looks down. "Chase, when is the last time we slept together?"

He's caught entirely off-guard by the question. "At least a month. Not since I came here."

He knows exactly how many days it's been. But admitting that would make him look fairly pathetic. So he doesn't.

"I'm, uh, kind of seeing where part of the problem is."

"And now...I, God, he only kissed me and I still don't want to be touched. I feel so pathetic."

"It's not pathetic, Kim..." He doesn't know how many more times he can repeat it before he snaps.

"It is! I mean he barely touched me and I'm shying away from everyone..."

"Tony got genderswitched by a pissed-off fairy and he went and hid in his room for weeks! That is shying away from everyone! That is a bizarre reaction. Not wanting to be touched after being assaulted by someone isn't pathetic, it's normal!"

She's glad that she can keep herself from explaining why Tony reacted that way to Chase.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too. But I just want you to be happy again."

"It's not your fault that I'm not happy."

He doubts that, but it's not the issue at the moment.

"That doesn't mean I don't want you to be."

"I want you to be happy too and we're not...we're not making each other happy now."

He only hears that as you're not making me happy right now, and takes a step backward.

"You're...you're breaking up with me." He feels like he's been hit hard in the face.

She looks up at him, "I didn't...I didn't say that." She wants to take a step backward too, but she doesn't.

"Then what are you saying?" he demands, shaken. "You're saying I'm not making you happy. So tell me what I can do to change that!"

"I'm not making you happy either, that's what I'm saying...and I don't know! If I knew, we wouldn't be having this conversation!"

"I don't care if I'm not happy right now! I will make an effort to be happy, if it would help us to just put this behind us and move the fuck on! My feelings are not the issue here. Forget about whether I'm happy or not. I will get over that and be happy if you're happy."

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