agirllost | Something's gotta give

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Something's gotta give

Kim has a small pile of books near her bed. They have titles like Attack Proof: The Ultimate Guide to Personal Protection and The Elite Forces Handbook of Unarmed Combat. She's sick of being a victim and she needs to remember what she's learned in the past while picking up some new skills. Part of her thinks she should ask her dad for help, but, she wants to do this on her own.

'A sexy foreigner could help...' that little voice whispers and she ignores it, continuing with her reading. She wishes she could fight magic with magic, but instead she's a muggle. So, she just has to ignore that small suggestion that's not even from her mind. The last few days have been a disaster. Although, at least she and Tony had reached a new understanding, and for first time in months she could say that they were truly friends. When she thinks of some of the things she said to her dad though...and she kissed Paul, and...she groans thinking about how much of a mess she's made of things.

She's also sick of this 'don't touch me' feeling she has whenever anyone gets too close. 'You're stronger than this,' she thinks. But maybe she isn't, she's not sure anymore, but she hopes the books will help.

And she hopes that Angela's okay and has no idea what's going on because this could be so traumatizing to her.

She feels bad for not being around Angela and misses her, but probably...being around her right now would cause more harm than good.

As she was telling everyone everything in her mind though, one fact became painfully clear. She loves Chase but right now...something isn't working. She knows she's hurting him and she knows that he's not happy. But, he will never admit it.

Something has to change or she fears they won't last. She's frustrated that he thinks she's angry at him, no matter how many times she tells him that her unhappiness is not his fault. No, it's a battle with herself and she has to win or she'll either need constant protection or meet a bad end.

And she wants to change. Soon, she'll get up and start practicing some of the moves in the books, but for now, she's just researching.

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"It's not pathetic, Kim..." He doesn't know how many more times he can repeat it before he snaps.

"It is! I mean he barely touched me and I'm shying away from everyone..."

"Tony got genderswitched by a pissed-off fairy and he went and hid in his room for weeks! That is shying away from everyone! That is a bizarre reaction. Not wanting to be touched after being assaulted by someone isn't pathetic, it's normal!"

She's glad that she can keep herself from explaining why Tony reacted that way to Chase.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too. But I just want you to be happy again."

"It's not your fault that I'm not happy."

He doubts that, but it's not the issue at the moment.

"That doesn't mean I don't want you to be."

"I want you to be happy too and we're not...we're not making each other happy now."

He only hears that as you're not making me happy right now, and takes a step backward.

"You're...you're breaking up with me." He feels like he's been hit hard in the face.

She looks up at him, "I didn't...I didn't say that." She wants to take a step backward too, but she doesn't.

"Then what are you saying?" he demands, shaken. "You're saying I'm not making you happy. So tell me what I can do to change that!"

"I'm not making you happy either, that's what I'm saying...and I don't know! If I knew, we wouldn't be having this conversation!"

"I don't care if I'm not happy right now! I will make an effort to be happy, if it would help us to just put this behind us and move the fuck on! My feelings are not the issue here. Forget about whether I'm happy or not. I will get over that and be happy if you're happy."

"I don't want you to have to pretend to be happy! And I don't...I don't know how to be okay again, Chase. I don't think we see each other enough, I think that we keep running away when the other one is hurt and that is...that's not the way two people in love should be acting."

And he can't answer that. Because she hasn't been doing that. It's all him, and he can't defend himself, because there is no defense. I was just trying to help comes to mind, but it's pathetic.

He leans his head against the doorframe again and doesn't answer.

"I did that once," he whispers. "Once. And I did it because I was afraid of hurting you even further. I've never run away from you before when you needed me. But if you're not able to forgive me for it, then...there's nothing else I can say. I can't make you forgive me for running away."

"We kind of avoided each other when we thought my dad was dead, didn't we? And...there were other times before you came back. The important thing is that we're not supporting each other. And when I say we, I mean we, not you."

"I don't know what you want me to do about this. What about when you say you'd rather be alone, or when it's obvious that you don't want me bothering you?"

"I shouldn't...I should let you in more."

"I won't run away anymore. I swear I won't. Just...please don't push me away like this. I'll do whatever I can, but...please."

"I don't want to push you away but if you're not happy. Look, Chase, you can't be happy. How can I make this work with us? What can I do? Stop telling me that you'll be okay if I'm okay because I won't be okay if you're obviously miserable."

"Then it's a fucking vicious circle here, because I can't stop being miserable if you're still miserable."

He puts his head in his hands. "I don't know. I don't know what either of us can do. I don't know how to make this work. I would be happy if I could just know that you'd be okay."

She swallows and closes her eyes for a moment, trying to make a decision.

'I love him and I'm hurting him so much right now...'

"Come here," she whispers and holds out her hand.

He looks up, confused.

Hesitantly, he takes her hand and steps inside the room, letting her lead the way.

She closes the door and leads them to the bed, sitting down.

"Why are you still with me?"

"Because I love you." And he knows that's not the answer she was looking for, but there isn't any other one he can give.

"I love you because you're a strong person no matter what you think, because you're good and kind and compassionate and so many other people wouldn't be after what you've gone through, because I admire your courage...I can't even explain all the reasons why I love you. But I'm not leaving you. You would have to kick me out for me to not stay with you."

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