agirllost | Something's gotta give

Kim has a small pile of books near her bed. They have titles like Attack Proof: The Ultimate Guide to Personal Protection and The Elite Forces Handbook of Unarmed Combat. She's sick of being a victim and she needs to remember what she's learned in the past while picking up some new skills. Part of her thinks she should ask her dad for help, but, she wants to do this on her own.

'A sexy foreigner could help...' that little voice whispers and she ignores it, continuing with her reading. She wishes she could fight magic with magic, but instead she's a muggle. So, she just has to ignore that small suggestion that's not even from her mind. The last few days have been a disaster. Although, at least she and Tony had reached a new understanding, and for first time in months she could say that they were truly friends. When she thinks of some of the things she said to her dad though...and she kissed Paul, and...she groans thinking about how much of a mess she's made of things.

She's also sick of this 'don't touch me' feeling she has whenever anyone gets too close. 'You're stronger than this,' she thinks. But maybe she isn't, she's not sure anymore, but she hopes the books will help.

And she hopes that Angela's okay and has no idea what's going on because this could be so traumatizing to her.

She feels bad for not being around Angela and misses her, but probably...being around her right now would cause more harm than good.

As she was telling everyone everything in her mind though, one fact became painfully clear. She loves Chase but right now...something isn't working. She knows she's hurting him and she knows that he's not happy. But, he will never admit it.

Something has to change or she fears they won't last. She's frustrated that he thinks she's angry at him, no matter how many times she tells him that her unhappiness is not his fault. No, it's a battle with herself and she has to win or she'll either need constant protection or meet a bad end.

And she wants to change. Soon, she'll get up and start practicing some of the moves in the books, but for now, she's just researching.

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"I won't run away anymore. I swear I won't. Just...please don't push me away like this. I'll do whatever I can, but...please."

"I don't want to push you away but if you're not happy. Look, Chase, you can't be happy. How can I make this work with us? What can I do? Stop telling me that you'll be okay if I'm okay because I won't be okay if you're obviously miserable."

"Then it's a fucking vicious circle here, because I can't stop being miserable if you're still miserable."

He puts his head in his hands. "I don't know. I don't know what either of us can do. I don't know how to make this work. I would be happy if I could just know that you'd be okay."

She swallows and closes her eyes for a moment, trying to make a decision.

'I love him and I'm hurting him so much right now...'

"Come here," she whispers and holds out her hand.

He looks up, confused.

Hesitantly, he takes her hand and steps inside the room, letting her lead the way.

She closes the door and leads them to the bed, sitting down.

"Why are you still with me?"

"Because I love you." And he knows that's not the answer she was looking for, but there isn't any other one he can give.

"I love you because you're a strong person no matter what you think, because you're good and kind and compassionate and so many other people wouldn't be after what you've gone through, because I admire your courage...I can't even explain all the reasons why I love you. But I'm not leaving you. You would have to kick me out for me to not stay with you."

And she surprises both of them by leaning forward and kissing him, her hand lightly on his face.

She's afraid that she'll be reminded of Ramon and the taste of blood in her mouth, but although there's a tinge of that there, she mostly just remembers all the kisses they've had before and waking up in his arms and watching him sleep and that...she misses that.

He startles, just a little. And oh god, he's missed her, but he's afraid of frightening her, worried that he'll remind her of Ramon...

He brushes his fingers lightly against her hair and gently kisses back.

She slides her hand down to the back of his neck and moves a little closer.

His hand rests lightly on her waist and his lips part, teasing gently at hers, still cautious.

She opens her mouth a little and touches his shoulder.

'You know this is Chase, this is Chase, he's not going to hurt you...'

Arms slipping around her waist, he holds her, letting her lead the way. He's terrified of reminding her of Ramon, and he's tense, but god, he's missed her, missed this, and she hasn't pushed him away yet.

But being held does remind her of being trapped right now and she pulls back looking a little frightened. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

He pulls his arms away quickly, worried, and moves back. "No, no, don't--I shouldn't have--I didn't mean to--"

"No, you didn't I just don't...want to be held right now...," she looks down at her hands and then back over at him. "I'm sorry."

"I should have known that." He lets his hands rest gently on the bed. "Kim, if you're not ready...it's okay. I won't be hurt. I promise."

She lifts his hand and places it against her face. "I wish I was."

"It's okay," he whispers again, gently brushing his thumb against her cheekbone. He can wait. He wishes he could hold her again, but he'll wait.

She turns her head to kiss his palm and blinks away tears, "I hate having to make you wait."

"Don't think about that, all right? Please." His fingers curl gently around to touch her face again.

"Do you...want me to stay with you, or do you want to be alone? I can sleep in the chair. It's comfortable."

She nods and reaches down to pick up a book, "Could you...I mean, these are hard to practice on my own..."

He takes the book. "Yeah...yeah, of course I'll help."

She leans forward and kisses him on the cheek. "Thank you. You don't I mean...you don't have to sleep in the chair. Just...can you, I mean, can I hold you?"

Why would I not want you to hold me?

"Yeah," he says quietly, brushing his lips against her cheek in return. He would love it more than anything if she did. And if she can't...he can be okay with that, too.

Something's gotta give

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