agirllost | And home again

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And home again

May 7, 2012
Night

Kim walks into the living room, dropping her briefcase and pulling off her jacket. She throws it on a chair, figuring she'll pick it up later, and sits down on the couch, listening for signs of life.

Chase is either asleep or busy and she leans back, feeling her eyes start to close. Long day and more stressful than tiring. At least she didn't feel Behrooz's anxiety about CTU or have his fears compound hers.

She's also learned things she wishes she didn't know. She can still remember how it felt to be watched.

Her fingers undo the first two buttons of her blouse and she slips off her shoes, resisting the urge to lie down and wake up tomorrow morning. At least she's home and everything's calm.

A few days earlier she'd picked up the developed film from her dad's first few weeks back in LA. Slitting her eyes open, she sees the pictures and gently picks up the top one. She sits up a little more and examines the photo.

Dinner had been after Angie's bed time, but she still wanted to stay up and spend time with Grampa and Aunt Chris. Before carrying her off to bed, Kim had snapped a picture of her on the couch with them.

She can never bring this picture to work or let them see it or even talk about the time she spends with her family.

Kim's found herself telling so many half-truths and that's only counting the facts that sound plausible. Carrie had been diplomatic in questioning, but she knew the unspoken motives and that a lot worse than 'not okay' had probably been rumored. She wonders if Chris has heard the whispers and how she manges to keep quiet.

Some day the truth will have to come out and she only hopes that everyone can forgive them.

Her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of footsteps behind her - but she knows the pace and weight of these steps.

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Chase leans over the back of the couch, smiling a little at the picture, and rubs her shoulders.

Behrooz is somewhere far away and she distantly senses him to the East, but not enough that she can pick up any concrete emotions.

At Chase's touch, Kim relaxes slightly and slouches back against the couch.

"That feels nice."

He kisses her cheek. "So your first day was pretty good?"

He lets go of her shoulders long enough to sit down next to her and wraps his arm around her again.

"It went okay," she turns to look at him, but he's already moved and she places the photo on the coffee table when she feels him next to her. Being back at a place that holds so many ghosts has made her a little on edge.

"I was hoping I'd get home before Angie went to sleep."

"I was debating...I didn't want to make her go to bed early, 'cause she wanted to stay up and give you a hug, but she was tired out from her field trip this morning and getting really cranky." The joys of parenting a four-year-old.

"No, you were right to send her to bed," she glances away quickly, trying to hide her regret at not being there to say goodnight to her daughter.

She hasn't been home this late in a while. "How did her field trip go?"

He smiles a little. "She was all excited about it when we got home. I think they went on a creekwalk and she caught one of those water-strider things..."

As nice as it is to be able to pick his daughter up from school every day, he feels like shit being cooped up in the house instead of at work.

"How's Chloe doing?"

Kim's torn between finding the thought of Angie playing near the creek adorable or worrying. Many dangerous things could hide and attack at a moment's notice.

"I don't know, she wasn't in today. It was kind of a skeleton crew." She's not sure how much she can say, but it's Chase. "Bill was there."

Chase wonders what they had to bribe Chloe with to get her to take a day off.

"Yeah, I actually talked to him earlier today. I, uh, have a final interview on Friday." The job's looking like a lock, which is immensely comforting, but he's still going to be awfully antsy until he's actually walking back into the CTU building.

"I'll feel better knowing you're there with me," she gives him a slight smile. He doesn't have to know that one reason for her peace of mind will be the knowledge that she can save him if anything goes wrong.

"You're a better agent than I am, anyway."

"Ah--" He raises a finger. "Don't go there."

The warning is playful, but he doesn't want her feeling self-deprecating. He knows she's a good agent. As freaked as he'd been when she'd gone undercover, she'd pulled it off amazingly.

His arm tightens around her a little.

"I'm proud of you." His smile is almost shy.

Her lips curve into a smile at his warning and she imagines his reaction would be diferent if he could read her mind.

"Why?" She looks up at him, her expression sober as she remembers the photo. "I fear I've taken a step back, not forward."

He exhales thoughtfully.

"What do you mean?"

"Being there...people kept looking at me. They - I don't know, Chase, did I - was I right to go back?"

Her eyes widen slightly as she searches his expression for an answer.

God, people are so fucking stupid.

"The hell with them," he murmurs, scooting closer. "They don't know what you've been through and what makes going back important to you. Yeah, I guess they might be a little surprised, but, y'know...they can just goddamn deal and they'll get over it in a couple of days. If you want to be at CTU, you belong there. And you are a good agent."

At his words, she feels a sort of warmth spread through her body and doesn't immediately recognize the emotion.

'Appreciated and cherished.'

"They weren't," she closes her eyes, takes a breath. "It's not that they were surprised, it was more like...they know so much about me and I know very little about them." She curls against him, her hand resting on his chest. "Some of them were almost wary."

"You have access to their personnel files. You can dig up all the dirt you want; you'll know all about them in no time." He lips quirk a little.

"No, but seriously. I know...it's gonna be weird for a while." He sighs. He can understand her consternation.

"After what happened when we worked there before...I figure...they'll have heard all the rumors about Jack and his being kinda unorthodox, and that's probably what's making them wary, but you know, they're also going to have heard about that Jane Saunders mission. They've already got to be impressed with you, Kim. Once you've been back for a little bit, they're not going to be wary anymore, but they're still gonna be impressed."

Maybe a little of that is projection. He can't imagine anyone not being impressed. But that's him.

"I think you're confusing me with Chloe or Michelle," she says lightly. "But if you feel like doing some background checks when you come in..."

"Kind of unorthodox? I think half of them worry I'm going to be sharing national security secrets with him and the other half wonder if they can get him back," Her voice lowers, "Their wariness has nothing to do with what I've done and...everything to do with who I am. And - " she looks up at him again, hesitating but deciding to keep talking, "they don't even know the laws we broke to save all of you."

"And they never will know. It's none of their damn business."

It hurts because Kim has a point, because as far as Chase is concerned, they have no right to look at her like that, but he can understand why they do.

"They just don't know, Kim. It's not even their fault, they just...don't have the capacity to understand. You just have to rise above it. It doesn't matter what they think. You're not there to replace Jack or to share secrets with them; you're there to do a job you're good at, and eventually everyone's going to realize that and quit staring at you. They'll get over it. It'll just take a while."

It's not worth mentioning the number of lies she's going to have to tell them in the future or the facts that will never come to light.

She nods, feeling his shirt against her cheek and once again is so grateful that he's with her. Few people could tell her she was worthy and make her believe it.

"When you first met me, how long did it take you to see me as something...other than Jack's daughter?"

"You kidding?" Chase looks at her. "I fell for you before I even met Jack face-to-face."

'Taken a shine to her' is how his boss had put it, and he'd been embarrassed by how obvious his crush on Kim had been, but when she'd smiled at him, he really hadn't cared what the other men had thought.

She tilts her head to look up at him. "And if you'd known? I - maybe people are right to be wary, Chase." She glances back at the table. "I don't want Angie to ever get caught up in this."

"I'd have been a little wary," he confesses. "Still wouldn't have stopped me from asking you out, though." After all, he'd started working for Jack long before working up the courage to make a move.

He rubs his eyes. This is what he's worried about--this is why he quit field work in the first place. Why he quite working for CTU entirely.

"We're not field agents, Kim," he says quietly. "And we can't stay away from CTU. Not really. Staying away from the field is the best we can do, and that should be enough to keep Angie safe. I wouldn't do it if it weren't."

"You took long enough anyway," she gently teases. It's true, she was beginning to think that it was a completely unrequieted crush until the first time they kissed. Even the quasi-date beforehand didn't give her any real feeling that he thought of her as more than just his partner's daughter.

Her attention shifts to the weave of his shirt. "But that's why I went back. No matter what happens, no matter what I do...we're all in danger." Not a victim or easily hurt, but Moiraine thought shields could not protect against bullets and in a real crisis she'd rather be a knowledgable target than one simply waiting to be eliminated.

"I spent years trying to run away only to find that it was...part of me."

All he can do is nod. They all know that feeling, anyone who's ever worked for CTU. There's no way to quit or run away.

He just holds her closer and exhales.

"I know, baby."

"There're so many things I can't tell anyone - " she whispers. "I'm not good at pretending - " her gaze drifts back to the photo. "I don't know how Chris does it..."

Bill asked point blank before if she knew about her dad being alive and she lied, more than that, she downplayed their relationship.

If Christopher and Miriam found out the truth, they'd never forgive her and she's careful with what she says to Bill.

"They're gonna stop asking after a while," he promises. It's all he can offer.

"...I don't really know how any of us do it," he murmurs, holding her hand in his. And he wonders sometimes why it's getting progressively harder to really want to interact with people outside their small circle. Who else would understand?

"Yeah," she gently holds his fingers. "You'll be there soon." And she hopes that when Chris and Chloe are there she also feels less alone with all these secrets.

"Still, it must be especially hard for Chris. I don't know what I'd do if I had to keep our relationship a secret."

"Yeah, it was hard enough when we were just dating." He shakes his head, remembering the few stolen makeout sessions in the tech room.

He turns to brush his lips against her cheek. "We kind of sucked at hiding it, didn't we?"

His hand closes discreetly around the ring in his pocket.

"No one was really paying attention," she murmurs. Remembering why they got away with it all makes her think about some dark moments.

But it's hard to be morose when being held by the man she loves and knowing that her family's safe outside the bar.

"I'm glad we don't have to hide anymore."

"If I have my way," he says, with a hint of a smile--because this is one of this the few things they really still have to smile about, "everyone'll know."

He slides the ring gently onto her finger.

She looks up at him curiously and feels more than sees a ring slip onto her finger.

Tears form and fall, but she's smiling. "Chase - " she whispers, her throat tight and she tries to swallow; her attempt turns into a gasped sob.

After everything, he still wants her - still wants to be with her and marry her and have her raise Angie.

More than that, with this ring she's won over the man - Elan - that took the first one - she's beaten Mesaana who tried to brainwash her and in failing that, kill her - she's survived. She's become the woman her mother would have been proud of - a woman her dad and fiance are proud of - it's not the Aes Sedai ring, but some day she'll earn that honor.

Chase loves her, he forgives her, and she gives up trying to talk in favor of kissing him.

This moment is perfect.

And maybe, the worst is truly over.

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And home again

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