agirllost | Sharing news with Moiraine

[Millitimed to a few weeks ago]

Behrooz is in her head. She's in his. She wanted to believe it was a side-effect, a delusion, but it's real and happening and she can see no way to sever the link. She would laugh if she wasn't so afraid of everyone's reaction to this news.

Elan. Oh God. Elan was here and could still be here and so many people to warn, and Kim knows she should tell everyone she can find but there's only one person she needs to talk to right now.

Moiraine.

She knows that her teacher has answers, will be able to...solve something, anything, because she keeps feeling Behrooz in her mind and old injuries that she'd forgotten but that his body still remembered. Her hand drifts up to touch her neck and she forces it back down.

Elan almost killed Behrooz. Her stomach turns thinking about it and it makes her want to rip something to shreds. She's trying to work on impulse control. But Elan's back and Behrooz is tied to her and if anyone knows how to deal with both situations, it's her teacher.

Kim reaches Moiraine's door and knocks, hoping that she's available.

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"There have been places here that could be used for such, outside, but..."

Moiraine trails off there, remembering an earlier conversation.

"Given that Ishamael has shown his presence again in the forest -- and that there is another who has done so, of late, it might be best not to seek out such exposure to risk here, as it happens."

Her tone is almost perfectly even, but something in the dark eyes softens as she watches Kim studying the floor.

"To be shielded is one way, yes," the Aes Sedai says, quietly. "To be exhausted beyond the ability to embrace saidar is another, or to be wounded, drugged, or dazed such that one cannot focus enough to weave. Or to be blinded, for one cannot weave where one cannot see."

A faint smile, now, as she adds,

"These weaknesses are not commonly discussed with those who are not either Aes Sedai or being trained as such, as I think you can understand. They are also among the reasons that many Aes Sedai bond Warders-- to do what we cannot, to strengthen us against such dangers, and to guard and protect us as partners so that we can do what we must."

Kim stops herself from asking only because she has enough nightmare fodder.

She nods at what Moiraine's saying, which is close to something more than one person has told her in the past, that channelling doesn't make her indestructible. "I think I understand," she says, looking up. "I just - I can't expect Behrooz to do that, he didn't - I mean - " she swallows and resists the urge to cover her face.

"He wouldn't have been my first choice," she whispers.

There is silence, for a moment.

"Chase would have, I suppose." Moiraine's tone is not unkind. "It is not impossible for you to bond him as well, in time and if he agrees, if you choose an Ajah other than Blue."

A small shrug. "If you had done this as Accepted within the White Tower as it was when I was in training there, it is likely that you would not have been allowed to keep Behrooz as your Warder in any case-- although the fact that it was an accident and not a deliberate act would have been taken into consideration. The penalty for such a thing is not light, and with good reason."

She tilts her head downward, silently agreeing. "I want to be Blue," she says without hesitation, a determined look in her eyes.

"What do you mean by...keep?"

"It has happened before that an Accepted chose to bond her Warder before she was raised Aes Sedai," Moiraine tells her frankly. "It is disapproved of, and more than disapproved of, for several reasons."

"In such case, she was made to pass the bond to a full Aes Sedai to hold, instead."

A pause. "Given the uniqueness of your situation, that is not likely to be a viable option for you, as there are few who could accept it here or in your world, I think."

Her eyes widen, "I couldn't do that to him, that makes him sound like an object...not my friend. And he is my friend."

The sudden quality of the stillness about her is almost painfully sharp, for a brief second, and then Moiraine says,

"And your Warder."

Dark eyes meet Kim's.

"Sometimes one does what is necessary."

Something in Moiraine's gaze makes her feel chilled.

Her words resonate with Kim. She's talking about duty, about sacrifice, about putting the many above the few.

These are lessons burned into her skin and a belief system that has become second nature.

Warder. She knows this means she can't protect Behrooz, that if she goes into danger, she will be unable to stop him from following. Worse, she'll have no choice.

("You didn't - you weren't watching it - if it'd been you - just standing there..."

"I know how that feels," she says finally. "It's the most horrible feeling in the world and I'm so sorry you had to go through it."

She blinks and looks down at the sheets. "Anyone there would have become her pawn...my only chance was to face her alone. If - if I - if I failed, I knew I wasn't coming back.")

"Sometimes it's all you can do."

"Yes," she says, simply.

Moiraine's tone is quiet and very certain, and the look in the dark eyes is understanding.

A moment's silence, and then she continues,

"But in this, at least, do not be too concerned. It is something that you will become accustomed to, and Behrooz also. I shall do what I can for him as well.

And in time you will learn how to mask the bond, and that will help with some of your concerns, I think."

"Thank you, Moiraine," she says sincerely.

If Moiraine believes things will be okay, Kim will believe it too. Even if the situation feels kind of hopeless at the moment.

"There's a way to mask the bond? So that he won't -- " she tries hard not to blush at the thought.

"There is," Moiraine tells her, and does not give any indication that she has noticed Kim's discomfiture.

"You may think of it as a shield of the mind, if you wish; a guard upon what is carried over the bond."

A pause.

"But you will need to become more familiar with its presence, first."

She nods and has the feeling that she'll have a long time to become familiar with the bond.

"Yeah," she says softly and there's silence for a few moments.

"I...can't really put off telling Chase any longer, can I?"

"That is a decision for you to make," she replies. "It is a matter between you and him, I think."

Her tone is gentle.

"But I think you already know the best answer to that question, do you not?"

"I do," she takes a breath and looks up. No matter his reaction, Chase needs to know the truth, and she has to hope that he will understand. "I should go home."

She nods.

"Light shine on you where you may go, child," Moiraine murmurs. "I will see you again when you return."

"May it shine on you as well, Moiraine."

She stands and nods, wanting to put into words how grateful she is for Moiraine's guidance.

"Thank you....for everything." She walks to the door and exits into the hallway.

Sharing news with Moiraine

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