agirllost | Kim in her room

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Kim in her room

Kim remembers her iPod started working again and puts it on. The music is better than silence, it makes it harder to think.

She is sure that Tony's okay. She keeps telling that to herself even though he hasn't come back. She also tells herself that she's not relieved he left. But that's a lie because she kind of is because she couldn't handle how he felt, the way he felt about himself she couldn't combat and she was sick of playing the blame game with people. Then again, right now, she doesn't want to be an adult. She doesn't want to comfort or maybe she just can't.

She can't believe he'd break his promise so easily.

Of course, 3 Doors Down would be playing. She can't go outside. She should, she knows, go down to the bar, stop sitting, but the thought of facing the outside world is almost paralyzing. The one constant she had in her life - no matter how she felt about her dad she knew he loved her - is gone. Now she feels adrift. She takes off the headphones.

"Do you have a family, Niles?" she asks her fish. "Do you ever miss them?"

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Her eyes go wide and she steps back.

She fears seeing him again.

"Kim?"

Said the wrong thing again... His eyes dart down for a second.

"Look, Kim, he's...he's not going to hurt you, all right? When I mentioned you and why you were upset he said he'd apologize."

He's not helping...

"He's not going to hurt you, Kim."

She shakes her head. "He doesn't have to touch me or say a word to hurt me, Tony."

He doesn't know what to say.

If I say something else she'll be more upset, but I can't help her by saying nothing.

He grimaces in frustration. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Stupid question...

She looks up at him gratefully and nods.

He's relieved. "Okay." He closes the door, walks Kim to the bed and sits down next to her. "I'm here. Talk to me."

She knows how insane what she's about to say is going to sound, but he asked to hear it.

"No matter how our relationship is...dad always looks at me and regards me in this way...I can't explain it. But I really fear seeing him because," and she half-laughs because she's a 20 year old woman talking about how her dad feels about her and this is almost absurd.

"Because I don't know what I'm going to do if he doesn't look at me that way."

"In what way?"

"I can't describe it...I guess for lack of a better way of saying it - loved."

"He still loves you, Kim. He was angry when he last saw you, but he's had time to think and he's sorry. I don't know how he'll look at you but...God, I hope he doesn't not look at you that way."

She's quiet for a few moments.

"I don't care if he's sorry," she finally whispers. "He just..." and she says it although she didn't want to.

"Now that he has Audrey and this new life I'm just a reminder..."

"Kim, if your father wanted to forget he wouldn't have made an effort to speak to you." He sighs. "I should know. I did that after I was released from prison."

She sniffles. "That's when I was angry at him. He doesn't like it when people are distant or angry with *him*."

She touches Tony's arm, squeezes his good hand.

"Yeah, your father can be a hypocrite. We all have our flaws. Sometimes they can destroy the good relationships we have, if we're not careful." He stops. That's hitting a little too close to home, and he doesn't want to start throwing himself a pity-party. Not when Kim needs his attention.

"Yeah," she nods. "We do have our flaws. That's why we hope the people we care about understand and accept them."

She smiles weakly. "I mean more that when someone's angry at him he feels a need to fix it...but if he's angry at them..."

"Then he feels it's his right to cut them off. Yeah, I know." He gives her a slight smirk. "Every once and a while we stick our heads up our asses. The view isn't pretty there, let me tell you. That's part of the reason why we have to pull them out."

She flashes a smile at that. "It's why you need friends...because otherwise it's very easy to get locked into yourself."

She takes a breath. "I think that's one of the reasons I felt so guilty when the bomb was gonna go off...he needed me and I wasn't there for him."

"But you have time to make up for that now. We don't know how long we're gonna be in this bar. Honestly...it's a little selfish, foolish of us to act this way. We're all that we have."

She looks up at him. "If I have to be stuck in a place beyond the rules of normal space and time, I'm glad it's with you."

She nods. "Just what he said...it hurt so much, I mean that he could even think of me and and...her."

Something weird cracks on his face. Some folks call it a grin.

"Kim, I know you could have balmed me for what happened. I'm glad you didn't. As for Jack...you and I both know what he can get like when he's angry. How people get when they're angry in general. I've said some things to your father I probably shouldn't have but did, anyway, because I was angry and wanted to hurt him without throwing a punch. I didn't feel good about it later, but that was the only ammo I had then besides my own two hands."

Something inside of her aches a little less when she sees him smile. "Well, that's the thing I don't really know what he's like when he's this angry I've...he's never been this angry at me."

"What things? When?" she's a little confused.

"He'll get over it. Give him time."

He sighs. "When I was trying to rescue Michelle from Saunders, Jack caught me before I could make the first call from outside CTU. I was angry at him. I was so worried about Michelle I didn't think about what I could do to keep CTU involved without Saunders knowing, and I was a little pissed that Jack stepped in and took over the operation when I didn't ask him to."

Pause. Next part of the story, not so pleasant. He doesn't want to tell it to Kim, but...he needs to be honest. Own up to his mistakes. "Honestly, I was afraid that what happened to your mother was going to happen to Michelle if I wasn't careful. So when things got intense, after Jack took over the operation, I...tried to back off. Walk away. When Jack kept pushing I, ah... I told him I wasn't going to let my wife die like his did. I blamed him for your mother's death." He looks down. He's probably said the wrong thing again.

Kim nods, she knows that part, having been in CTU at the time.

But the next part she didn't really know and she can't control the way her mouth gapes and she looks down.

"I never really understood that...I mean, she was a trained spy, a co-worker, why did my dad blame himself so much for not seeing it? I mean...no one saw it." And it's something she's been thinking for a while.

"Yeah, well, when you work with someone as closely as your father worked with her you do tend to wonder why you never picked up any signals. It's almost a commentary on your talent. The skills required to work for CTU...that's like saying you can't do your job, when you can't even guess someone you know that well is a traitor."

She realizes he's probably talking about himself, not her dad. "But I still don't understand I mean everyone at CTU worked closely with her and no one else seemed to blame themselves *that* much. We barely talked after it but he always told me that he felt responsible and I still don't understand why."

It's the first time maybe ever she's been able to talk about it with someone.

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