Kim in her room

[agirllost]

Kim remembers her iPod started working again and puts it on. The music is better than silence, it makes it harder to think.

She is sure that Tony's okay. She keeps telling that to herself even though he hasn't come back. She also tells herself that she's not relieved he left. But that's a lie because she kind of is because she couldn't handle how he felt, the way he felt about himself she couldn't combat and she was sick of playing the blame game with people. Then again, right now, she doesn't want to be an adult. She doesn't want to comfort or maybe she just can't.

She can't believe he'd break his promise so easily.

Of course, 3 Doors Down would be playing. She can't go outside. She should, she knows, go down to the bar, stop sitting, but the thought of facing the outside world is almost paralyzing. The one constant she had in her life - no matter how she felt about her dad she knew he loved her - is gone. Now she feels adrift. She takes off the headphones.

"Do you have a family, Niles?" she asks her fish. "Do you ever miss them?"

Comments

[agirllost]

She realizes he's probably talking about himself, not her dad. "But I still don't understand I mean everyone at CTU worked closely with her and no one else seemed to blame themselves *that* much. We barely talked after it but he always told me that he felt responsible and I still don't understand why."

It's the first time maybe ever she's been able to talk about it with someone.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

Tony understands why.

"Well, maybe there's something your father isn't telling you. Something he should tell you himself."

[agirllost]

She half-laughs and covers her face with her hands. "Right, because a secret he's had for at least five years is just the thing he's going to want to share with someone he doesn't trust."

And she sniffs.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"Kim." He leans over and hugs her. "I'd tell you but...I really think your father should tell you. And if he doesn't then I'll have to exchange a few words with him, myself."

[agirllost]

And she tries to figure out what it could be, but all the possibiltites are too horrible to contemplate. Maybe this is one of those things that she shouldn't know.

"So when he finally talks to me again I should ask him about something he's been avoiding talking about for years?"

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

He wishes she weren't so angry, though she has every right in the world to be angry.

"I'm not gonna lie. It's is gonna take some time before you can regain your father's trust. But honestly...he has no right to withhold that information from you. Not when he's so trumped up on honesty himself. If he wants you to tell him the truth then he should tell you the truth as well. The whole truth."

[agirllost]

"I'm so sick of this, Tony. I don't trust him or he doesn't trust me and it's like we'll never get back to what we had when I was younger. I'm so mentally exhausted."

"If I go see him...will you come with me?"

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"Yes. I'll come with you."

[agirllost]

"There's so many secrets between us. Even when we were being 'honest' there were still so many secrets and so much unsaid."

"I'm sorry that you got dragged into this."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"Don't apologize, Kim. I don't have a problem helping you. I just hope this goes all right for you."

[agirllost]

She bites back what she wants to say, which is that she's not sure she deserves it to go right, she's the one who cheated, she's the one who lied, the list goes on really...she doesn't even technically have a right to be angry except that her dad compared her to the person that almost destroyed him. And it's hard to get beyond that. It was more vicious than she ever thought he could be.

Instead she leans against Tony. "I think it's time to sleep."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. You're probably right."

Being depressed is exhausting. He could do for some sleep, himself.

"Do you want me to stay?" Because he'd love to stay.

[agirllost]

She nods against him and tries to smile.

"Do you think I'm letting you leave?"

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

He shakes his head. "No." He grins thankfully.

[agirllost]

"I'm not changing," she yawns and lies down.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"Wouldn't expect you to. You're in sweats." He lies down next to her and yawns.

[agirllost]

Kim moves closer to Tony and drapes her arm over his chest.

"Is this okay?" she asks, not sure about their new friend or whatever status.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"Yeah."

He tries not to grin.

[agirllost]

She closes her eyes and leans her head against him. She's relieved he's here. With her. In one piece and not...somewhere else.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

Tony leans his head in her direction and closes his eyes. He wants to stay awake for a minute and enjoy this moment, but he knows he must go to sleep. Still, he hopes that, when he stares into darkness again, he can remember this moment as something special...a reason to live. She may not need him. She may not want to be more than his friend. But she is a good reason to live.

He falls asleep.

[agirllost]

Kim thinks about tomorrow and how she might even want to eat and hopes she doesn't have any more dreams and how life is strange and unpredictable. And falls asleep.