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Feb. 25th, 2005 10:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
agirllost[ooc: millitimed to after this fight last night.]
My dad hates me.
She should be able to think of something beyond that - some deeper meaning, something that doesn't make her sound like she's 12...but she can't. He's never looked at her that way before - he was never the one who left.
She can only remember his last words, spinning around in her mind: "I suppose none of this should surprise me. You're not the first person I trusted completely who's manipulated me, deceived me, and betrayed me; the only person I should be angry at is myself, for falling for it again."
And then he left and she can't think beyond that, cannot make herself move. Because for him to say that to her, she knows he hates her, knows that she's betrayed him in some way that she'll never be able to repair and that hurts more than losing him, more than if he was dead because he's not dead but he's lost to her.
She knows he hates her because he compared her to the one person he hated more than anyone else ever - the one person who Kim still held responsible for destroying their lives - and for him to even think of them at the same time, it was enough to let her know she'd fucked up. More than fucked up - because she had slightly manipulated him and thought he'd understand and forgive her because for her entire life he's always understood and forgiven her but this time -- she forgot they were different people, different rules and she'd stupidly thought in some way that because he seemed changed he *was* changed. But no, he just hid that other side better.
She stares straight ahead but right now more than anything else she misses her mom. And she's not crying because she's moved beyond tears. It's normal to cry when someone you love dies, or a boyfriend leaves you, or any number of reasons but when the most important and influential person in your life basically tells you that he can never trust you again and you know that to him if he can't trust someone he doesn't care about...
And what was she thinking, sleeping with Tony, acting like she had no responsiblities...that she wasn't practically married to Chase.
None of that matters now, she thinks, and she spots the sleeping pills on her bedside table.
No, that would be selfish after everything her dad sacrificed to save her...and she got into this partly because she *was* being selfish. Or not, she's not even sure anymore because all she can feel is this pain in her chest and breathing is a little difficult because it's hard to see the point of going on. She's stuck in a bar. Now stuck in a bar with a father who hates her and a suicidal lover.
She cannot cry...and she cannot move. So she sits.
My dad hates me.
She should be able to think of something beyond that - some deeper meaning, something that doesn't make her sound like she's 12...but she can't. He's never looked at her that way before - he was never the one who left.
She can only remember his last words, spinning around in her mind: "I suppose none of this should surprise me. You're not the first person I trusted completely who's manipulated me, deceived me, and betrayed me; the only person I should be angry at is myself, for falling for it again."
And then he left and she can't think beyond that, cannot make herself move. Because for him to say that to her, she knows he hates her, knows that she's betrayed him in some way that she'll never be able to repair and that hurts more than losing him, more than if he was dead because he's not dead but he's lost to her.
She knows he hates her because he compared her to the one person he hated more than anyone else ever - the one person who Kim still held responsible for destroying their lives - and for him to even think of them at the same time, it was enough to let her know she'd fucked up. More than fucked up - because she had slightly manipulated him and thought he'd understand and forgive her because for her entire life he's always understood and forgiven her but this time -- she forgot they were different people, different rules and she'd stupidly thought in some way that because he seemed changed he *was* changed. But no, he just hid that other side better.
She stares straight ahead but right now more than anything else she misses her mom. And she's not crying because she's moved beyond tears. It's normal to cry when someone you love dies, or a boyfriend leaves you, or any number of reasons but when the most important and influential person in your life basically tells you that he can never trust you again and you know that to him if he can't trust someone he doesn't care about...
And what was she thinking, sleeping with Tony, acting like she had no responsiblities...that she wasn't practically married to Chase.
None of that matters now, she thinks, and she spots the sleeping pills on her bedside table.
No, that would be selfish after everything her dad sacrificed to save her...and she got into this partly because she *was* being selfish. Or not, she's not even sure anymore because all she can feel is this pain in her chest and breathing is a little difficult because it's hard to see the point of going on. She's stuck in a bar. Now stuck in a bar with a father who hates her and a suicidal lover.
She cannot cry...and she cannot move. So she sits.
