agirllost

Warding her dreams would be a waste of time - it's hard to imagine anything waiting for her worse than reality. Angie's missing. In trouble. Hurt. And she's completely powerless. It's only the distant thought that Mesaana could discover she's still alive that makes her form the weave and then she's reluctant to let go of saidar, feeling the joy and life and strength that the Source brings, but she does right before she falls asleep.

( Searching )

Her mom fades away and then all else vanishes. She opens her eyes, finding herself laying down on the bed, the temperature back to normal and...

"Mom?" She sits up, wiping away tears, looking at the room. It's silent, no one else is there, she's alone. The picture by her bedside keeps shifting, the woman...the girl in the picture is so different from the face she's seen in the mirror for almost the last week.

She holds out her hands. 'Am I capable of violence? Would I hurt anyone I loved?'

It'd break my heart if you did.

"Please come back." She says out loud. Her heartbeat sounds magnified in her ears, her eyes hurt, and she can't stop tearing.

"I'm so tired. I just want this to end."

In her dresser is a knife. For self defense. Just in case. And what her mom said is true, if she's a danger, she should keep people from getting hurt. 'I might have hurt Angie.'

She flips through the notebook for a moment.

'I can't trust my own mind.'

Suddenly, she's calm, all doors closed and one left to open. This is better than waiting for a prophesy or for some psychopath to take revenge for things beyond her control.

She walks over to the dresser, her hand not even trembling, and opens the drawer.

Kim wakes up, heart pounding, chest screaming for air. She feels wetness on her bare arms, behind her neck, between her thighs, and she's shivering from the chill.

She shuts her eyes tightly and tries to think, but the nightmare felt so real. The gun against her head, the horror and hatred in Chase's eyes, the way her dad looked at her, the sorrow of Angela's expression...she knows they're just things her mind invented, but it makes her remember the danger.

'Angela said...but what if she's not my Angela? What if she's from an alternate future?'

Nita is scared. Nita doesn't get scared, not over nothing, and if Kim is really in danger, staying here is more than hazardous to her health, it's selfish.

'Her dreams don't lie, and those tarot cards, you know things can't stay good forever.'

Next to her, Chase is still sleeping, and she knows that if she doesn't leave soon...she won't.

("This is the new future, and soon. Very soon.")

'Just a dream, not real. But could be...'

A shiver passes through her body.

'Elan doesn't exist on my Earth.'

The solution is obvious.

She slips out of bed, grabs some clothes and changes quickly, trying not to wake Chase. Dressed in yoga pants, a t-shirt and a zip-up sweater, she leans over and kisses his cheek, her heart's still racing and she has to force herself to take steady breaths. "I'm sorry, can't stay," she whispers and touches his hair, "I'll see you very soon. I love you." She sniffs and leaves the room before she is unable to keep herself from holding onto him.

She has to stop at her room and pick up a few things and then once she gets down to the bar, she'll write notes if she can see the door.

( nightmare - R - warnings for squick - very very squick )

Kim opens her eyes and sits up slowly. She starts to stand but she feels like she's moving through molasses. She doesn't want to think of what that dream might mean. Instead, she forces herself to get ready and go downstairs.

Kim wakes up sobbing.

"Please, don't..." Kim's mumbling in her sleep and then wakes up, her clothes are drenched with sweat and her hands hurt from having them in fists. She opens her hand to see half-moon marks on her palms.

She sits up, brushing back wet hair and covers her face with her hands.

Dad's memories aren't hers. She can't even imagine if those memories are possible now and wonders if like in Back to the Future, the memories will fade in his mind. If a picture taken of them at that time would slowly vanish. She can't remember ever feeling this guilty, a secret she can't ever tell him, not after that conversation. And forget about dad, if Chase ever found out...she used to love his smiles but he hasn't smiled in a while and she's barely seen him between physical therapy and searching for a new job and....

Stupidly, she thought her dad would understand, that maybe he saw the change in Chase but no...apparently a year from now and everything is okay. Better than okay.

But she's not a woman who has been married for 20 years. Still, she forgot that she wasn't alone, that she wasn't single, that she couldn't just...do what she wanted.

She takes a breath and lets it out, her hands near her face, she doesn't want to get up.

And she remembers falling in love with Chase...the excitement and the danger and...

Now there's Tony and Tony's so different from Chase and she feels so safe in his arms and electrified at the same time.

If Chase knew it would break his heart, but the memories her dad has she doesn't yet and maybe she jumped into this thing with Tony but she can't...let him go.

She goes to sleep.

( Nightmare )

Kim wakes up alone. She turns over and stares at the pillow, not really wanting to move. Her heart's racing. That felt...way too real.

There's a knock on her door.