agirllost

Kim thought a walk would help. She thought several walks would help. But she found herself wandering aimlessly around the lake, knowing she should go back inside, but unable to make herself face the bar.

She can't blame her dad for lying to her. The weight of this knowledge is almost crushing because when she goes back home she'll know his future and he won't have any idea. 'Is that why I call him?' she wonders, 'because I know that we don't have long to patch up our relationship?' Sadly, it makes sense. She also knows why it's dangerous to try and change the future, but that he could go outside with full knowledge of his future. She tries to tell herself that even if he doesn't come back, they'll still have over a year together. But she knows that year will go quickly and she won't see him every day and he won't even come to the bar until January 2010 which means a lot of retreading and oh god he can't die.

She accepts that he can die, she saw him die in front of her, but it still doesn't feel *real* and probably won't feel real until she's standing at his funeral a year and a few months from now. And she's sick of people telling her she should be proud that he's willing to do this, that he's brave enough to face death. She doesn't want to be proud or brave, she wants to be selfish. Even though she's 21, she wants to be able to call him and hear his voice and have him there to spoil Angela and any other grandchildren and she wants to have him smile and that weight to be off his shoulders and she doesn't want him to die.

Kim looks up at the darkening sky, the unfamiliar stars swirling above her and she's not sure if there's a god that can hear her here, or maybe she'd have better luck inside the bar but she knows that with everything that's happened - with all the orphans her dad has helped create it's probably not fair to ask for a favor.

She sits down far from people and tilts her head up.

"I know my dad has done some bad things. But he always tried to save people and had to make impossible choices. He never meant to hurt anyone," she swipes at her face, sniffling. "I know that he fears eternal judgement...but if you, I mean, if you can look beyond....he's saved so many lives and he's my dad and I love him and I know that he doesn't deserve to be with the people he hunted. I...please, let him be with my mom in the end. He's not a bad person. He just..." she tries to finish her prayer but she doesn't want to make excuses and isn't sure that she's even making sense.

"No, forget about what I just said, please, just somehow save him. I can't believe that you'd let these things happen...all these really terrible things..." She thinks about Nita and that Elaine's missing and Chase and her dad...

The rest of the prayer is silent and she stares out at the lake letting tears fall and blur her vision.