agirllost

July 16
7:52 AM

Miriam told her that Angie was still sleeping and Kim kept trying to reach Chris last night without much success.  Kim's dad called to tell her he was on his way in and that Chris was reporting to Division later.   He informed her they're staying at Michelle's and that she's welcome any time.  Kim repeated how sorry she was about Caiti.

Michelle's talking to Bill upstairs.

Kim is going through data when she feels something - someone - pulling her East.  She ignores it, trying to keep her mind on the work in front of her, but a few minutes later the pull becomes a need.  She stands, trying to pretend that everything's okay and almost runs to get outside.   The door is calling her  - like the desperation and fear she's sensing from far away.  Once she feels the air, she begins preparing the weave that will allow her to Gate to him.  She's a moment from embracing saidar, her hands starting to tremble, when she feels a sharp but distant pain in her shoulder.  In her head she imagines the scream and bites her lip, keeping herself from calling out, grateful that she's alone.

She's breathing heavily and without thinking is cradling her arm close to her body.  She blinks, her vision becoming blurry as she looks around for her car.  'Have to get to him' she thinks, 'he's in trouble and I have to get to him.'  The parking lot is bright and she can feel his terror.

As suddenly as the pressure arrives, it vanishes, her stomach turning as she imagines why.  But the bond isn't broken and she turns around, realizing that all she feels is numb.

She has to concentrate to push the small bundle of emotions further into the background, the ache in her shoulder easing a little, and she wipes her hand over her forehead, feeling wetness.

Kim takes another breath and lets it out slowly, trying to calm her double timed heartbeat.  She re-enters CTU from the front and goes into the bathroom to clean up a little before heading back into the bullpen  Her hand's still tingling and if she lets her thoughts wander, her shoulder starts to hurt again, but the desire and need to run have disappeared.

In some way she feels like she let Behrooz down, and when she gets out of the bathroom and is greeted by images of an undetonated suitcase nuke in DC, she wonders why she's not more surprised.

'I should have been there,' she thinks as she sits back down at her station.

In less time than it takes to blink, Kim could free herself and be standing on a mound of rubble that was once a wall.

She doesn't have to submit to them. The mirror shows a reflection, but she knows it's hiding double sided glass.

They're watching her.

Thousands of miles away, she senses Behrooz, and she knows he can't be distracted or feel her fear. 'I'm sorry,' she thinks. 'I'm sorry that I can't let you be here and that I can't help you and that I was unable to figure any way out for either of us.'

She keeps her hands on the table, wanting to dig her nails in, feeling the weight of the path she's chosen. For anyone else, they'd be trapped, but she could escape, it would just mean that at least one person would know what she really is - and she can't let that information get out.

The other way out of this situation, would be to start talking, to tell them what they want to hear and save herself. If her dad knew what was happening, he'd tell her that he only wants her to be safe and that he wouldn't blame her for giving in. She knows that there's no good option, either she betrays his trust, or she stays silent and deals with the consequences.

Bill enters the room, he talks to her for a few minutes, and she wishes she could tell him the truth. Her lies are part of the reason why she's here now, if she'd only been honest, maybe he would have accepted her arguments as more than just family loyalty.

He tells her that she could be protecting an assassin, and she presses her lips together for a moment before looking up at him. He doesn't know a quarter of what her family's been through, and she intends to keep it that way.

'I know who I'm protecting and you have no idea what I could do to you right now if I let my control slip.' she thinks. She went to China, she faced unknown danger to save him, and he's done the same for her.

They want to use her to get to him and she won't let them.

A long time ago, she told her dad that she'd sooner die than be used to hurt innocent people. The situation's not exactly the same, but, she survived Mesaana, and she'll survive whatever happens next.

She saw her dad after China, she tried to remind him of reality when it slipped away, when the lights went out and just that was enough of a trigger. A sick feeling spreads through her at the thought of him in this situation. In CTU, you're guilty until they find evidence otherwise, and they wouldn't listen to denials and they'd hurt him until he confessed or they --

"He's innocent," she repeated as Bill left, and with him her chance for getting out of this unharmed.

Time passes.

Behrooz was right. She has some idea of how he felt, sitting in that room, and waiting for them to make a decision. She'll defend them even after they make her scream, because it's the only way she knows, and she's part of it. Once she only felt hate and a desire for revenge, now she tries to feel nothing at all.

She breathes in, allowing herself one last image of the rose unfurling, prepared for pain, and determined not to speak or give in.

A soft buzz and the door opens.