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The clock has started
Sep. 22nd, 2005 02:20 pmKim is walking outside after talking to Elaine, after Elaine left to talk to Ryan.
It's easy to forget that Ryan's dead.
Kim's surprised by how she forgot at the wedding that the man dancing with her could not go back to LA, could not see the rest of his family.
But when Elaine told her that Ryan saw the door, the reality and the truth came back into focus. Ryan was -- is dead. He died and when he goes through the door it's not back to a life but to something beyond, beyond them all.
And yesterday was Chris' birthday (Ryan's death day). Easy to forget because having him around seemed so normal (like an Uncle).
Later, she'll grieve for him, never really did the first time, he was just Mr. Chappelle, her boss, and now...he's Ryan.
Ryan, who supported her when everyone else was furious, who didn't take sides, who Elaine loved, who Chris adored and needed, who almost always knew what to do no matter the situation. Ryan, Kim is sure, would fight the Endless if he thought he was right.
But now the door. And there's no fighting the door, once you see it you have to open it and go through. She hopes he won't for a while, but the clock has started ticking down.
And he'll say goodbye and go through the door...like mom, like Elaine will eventually, like everyone else. And she doesn't know how she'll feel with him really gone. Not in the bar, not talking to Elaine, not sitting across from her and planning how to checkmate (and he won more often than she'd like to admit).
'It's not fair.' she thinks. 'Why does Ryan have to go? Why not Nina or Ramon? Why can't someone go in his place?'
She can't imagine how much pain it will bring to her friends. And she knows that seeing Chris in pain will hurt her dad, especially because...no, she can't take back forgiveness just because Ryan's leaving forever.
She stops walking and stands, looking out at the lake, knowing that a shark lives in there, a shark that loves her friend (sister). Sacrifice and the cycle of life.
She sniffs and sighs shakily, wishing she could have taken Tony and Michelle's wedding and somehow frozen things like that...forever.
But the clock never stops.
