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Apr. 3rd, 2005 05:11 amKim goes back to her room and sits on the edge of her bed, cradling her head in her hands.
'I was avoiding him for a reason, dad,' she thinks, finding it hard at this moment not to dislike him for pushing her. Because apparently he has this odd obsession wtih honesty now and facing demons and all kinds of things that Kim didn't want to face after standing on the edge of a nervous breakdown. All these things Kim was trying not to think about while her mom was in the Bar. Her mom. The only person she'd wanted to see for months, the one who haunted her in a thousand tiny ways every day, her mom, someone she thought she'd never see again in this life. But fate had brought them here and her mom had found them. She loved her so deeply and truly that she could never put it into words.
For a few moments, for a few days even she was happy and she'd not felt that happy in years - at one point could never imagine being so happy. She had Chase, she had her mom, she kind of had her dad and it felt *so* right and true and good and that empty space that had opened in her heart after her mom's murder was sealed.
She couldn't feel sadness or anger while looking at mom's laughing face or listening to her speak. There was something so calm and comforting about her presence that it pushed every bad feeling away.
Her mom told her that she knew that Kim had always loved her and that was a relief because Kim'd never been entirely sure that she knew, so many things they never really got to say, like goodbye.
So she didn't want to waste a moment of her mom being there, didn't want to take it up with the baggage of the past few weeks and the pain that seemed to be served as readily as drinks and food.
Most wonderful of all was the absense of nightmares. Her sleep had been almost dreamless over the past few days and after the last week or two she needed that, needed that very badly.
But she is also finding it difficult not to hate Tony. She finds it hard to view the way he treated her as anything but manipulative and it is so obvious that he doesn't care about hurting her, about driving her into a near catatonic state, about anyone's feelings but his own.
When she sat on the floor with her dad, he told her that he was upset but would never do anything because he *knew* it would hurt her. Tony didn't care, so wrapped up in his own feelings of guilt and lonliness that if she let him, he'd crush her too.
Which is why she knew she had to stay away, because his sadness was a black hole and she cared more about him than she wanted to admit. But her dad forced her hand and made her go see him, even though she was trying not to, even though part of her thought that if she avoided the problem it never existed because goddamn it she just wanted a few days where other people weren't slowly killing her.
'Isn't what why you left home?'
She covers her hand with her mouth and makes a soft almost whimpering sound. Her dad said he doesn't blame her, but how can he not? And her mom, her mom watching from wherever must have been so disappointed in her and now she's letting someone else slip away because she can't face talking to Tony, can't face seeing him because every time she does it kind of feels like she's gone up against a Dementor.
"I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel this way..." she whispers into her hands and curls onto her bed, looking at the wall, blinking away tears.
