Sharing news with Moiraine

[agirllost]

[Millitimed to a few weeks ago]

Behrooz is in her head. She's in his. She wanted to believe it was a side-effect, a delusion, but it's real and happening and she can see no way to sever the link. She would laugh if she wasn't so afraid of everyone's reaction to this news.

Elan. Oh God. Elan was here and could still be here and so many people to warn, and Kim knows she should tell everyone she can find but there's only one person she needs to talk to right now.

Moiraine.

She knows that her teacher has answers, will be able to...solve something, anything, because she keeps feeling Behrooz in her mind and old injuries that she'd forgotten but that his body still remembered. Her hand drifts up to touch her neck and she forces it back down.

Elan almost killed Behrooz. Her stomach turns thinking about it and it makes her want to rip something to shreds. She's trying to work on impulse control. But Elan's back and Behrooz is tied to her and if anyone knows how to deal with both situations, it's her teacher.

Kim reaches Moiraine's door and knocks, hoping that she's available.

Comments

[agirllost]

She looks up, not sure how the Oaths relate.

"First, speak no word that isn't true. Second, make no weapon that will help one man kill another and Thirdly...to never use the One Power as a weapon except against Shadowspawn or a last resort to save one's own life or the life of a fellow Aes Sedai or her own Warder." She recites, her voice a little weaker as she reaches the end.

[blue_ajah]

"Almost. Remember that the wording is important-- every single word is vitally important."

She takes a breath, and recites:

"To speak no word that is not true; to make no weapon with which one man may kill another; and never to use the One Power as a weapon except against Shadowspawn, or in the last extreme of defense of her own life, or that of her Warder or another Aes Sedai."

The accent on certain words is faint, but precisely made. Moiraine meets Kim's gaze with her own.

"Certainly you have some advantages, but the Oaths are limitations, as well. That is what they are meant for, in order that people might trust Aes Sedai, knowing of the Oaths. It is a balance -- and there are ways to counter the advantages, too. These are things that you will be studying."

A pause, and there is a touch of something wry in her tone as she adds,

"Along with other matters pertaining to Warders and bonding, now. You are lucky, in a sense, that you are not of my world, and not in formal training at the White Tower, in this case."

[agirllost]

She listens, having heard the Oaths before and some of them she's already broken. Aes Sedai don't exist in her world and she plans to never let anyone outside of those in the bar know about her powers.

"So you can't use the One Power to save people who aren't....Aes Sedai? How - " she takes a breath. "According to that, I couldn't really protect anyone I loved."

[blue_ajah]

Moiraine's lips tighten.

"Think, child. Of course you can. There are many things that are not weapons, after all -- and even those that are may be used, if you yourself are in such danger, once you have sworn."

[agirllost]

"But how can I be in danger from, say, a gun if I can shield myself?"

[blue_ajah]

The look she gives Kim is eloquent, and conveys the impression that the younger woman has failed to see all sides of an issue.

"As I recall," she says dryly, "there are a variety of guns that you might have reason to encounter in your world-- among them weapons such as the 'AK-47 assault rifle.' If my memory serves correctly, that particular gun fires the 'M43 round,' which has been retailored in its manufacture such that it has the ability to pierce armor, is this not so?"

A pause.

"Do you truly trust your ability to hold a shield stronger than any armor against automatically-fired and repeated blows of such murderous power and force? Under any and all circumstances that you might encounter upon a field of battle? Not to mention that there are times when you may find yourself unable to channel at all?"

[agirllost]

Kim's a little surprised at Moiraine's detailed knowledge about weaponry. However, she knows that her teacher had to have encountered at least a few guns in China.

At her second comment, she glances away slightly, feeling chided.

"I - I thought a shield could stand against bullets," she's silent for a moment, trying to phrase her question. "Have you ever been unable to channel?"

[blue_ajah]

"It is something that could be tested, I should think," she murmurs thoughtfully. "Perhaps it would be best to do so, here, in something of a controlled situation. Still, given the force I have seen such weapons display -- even if a shield could be maintained against such, the strength it would require to do so would be significant, and the distraction from other matters that such continued focus might cause could in itself be fatal."

A pause, as Moiraine considers her, and then the Aes Sedai nods.

"I have. More than once."

[agirllost]

"That sounds like a good idea," she says slowly, trying to figure out how they'll get an automatic weapon into the bar. "If we can't do it here...there may be a place back home...."

She swallows and looks down. "I've been shielded before but..."

[blue_ajah]

"There have been places here that could be used for such, outside, but..."

Moiraine trails off there, remembering an earlier conversation.

"Given that Ishamael has shown his presence again in the forest -- and that there is another who has done so, of late, it might be best not to seek out such exposure to risk here, as it happens."

Her tone is almost perfectly even, but something in the dark eyes softens as she watches Kim studying the floor.

"To be shielded is one way, yes," the Aes Sedai says, quietly. "To be exhausted beyond the ability to embrace saidar is another, or to be wounded, drugged, or dazed such that one cannot focus enough to weave. Or to be blinded, for one cannot weave where one cannot see."

A faint smile, now, as she adds,

"These weaknesses are not commonly discussed with those who are not either Aes Sedai or being trained as such, as I think you can understand. They are also among the reasons that many Aes Sedai bond Warders-- to do what we cannot, to strengthen us against such dangers, and to guard and protect us as partners so that we can do what we must."

[agirllost]

Kim stops herself from asking only because she has enough nightmare fodder.

She nods at what Moiraine's saying, which is close to something more than one person has told her in the past, that channelling doesn't make her indestructible. "I think I understand," she says, looking up. "I just - I can't expect Behrooz to do that, he didn't - I mean - " she swallows and resists the urge to cover her face.

"He wouldn't have been my first choice," she whispers.

[blue_ajah]

There is silence, for a moment.

"Chase would have, I suppose." Moiraine's tone is not unkind. "It is not impossible for you to bond him as well, in time and if he agrees, if you choose an Ajah other than Blue."

A small shrug. "If you had done this as Accepted within the White Tower as it was when I was in training there, it is likely that you would not have been allowed to keep Behrooz as your Warder in any case-- although the fact that it was an accident and not a deliberate act would have been taken into consideration. The penalty for such a thing is not light, and with good reason."

[agirllost]

She tilts her head downward, silently agreeing. "I want to be Blue," she says without hesitation, a determined look in her eyes.

"What do you mean by...keep?"

[blue_ajah]

"It has happened before that an Accepted chose to bond her Warder before she was raised Aes Sedai," Moiraine tells her frankly. "It is disapproved of, and more than disapproved of, for several reasons."

"In such case, she was made to pass the bond to a full Aes Sedai to hold, instead."

A pause. "Given the uniqueness of your situation, that is not likely to be a viable option for you, as there are few who could accept it here or in your world, I think."

[agirllost]

Her eyes widen, "I couldn't do that to him, that makes him sound like an object...not my friend. And he is my friend."

[blue_ajah]

The sudden quality of the stillness about her is almost painfully sharp, for a brief second, and then Moiraine says,

"And your Warder."

Dark eyes meet Kim's.

"Sometimes one does what is necessary."

[agirllost]

Something in Moiraine's gaze makes her feel chilled.

Her words resonate with Kim. She's talking about duty, about sacrifice, about putting the many above the few.

These are lessons burned into her skin and a belief system that has become second nature.

Warder. She knows this means she can't protect Behrooz, that if she goes into danger, she will be unable to stop him from following. Worse, she'll have no choice.

("You didn't - you weren't watching it - if it'd been you - just standing there..."

"I know how that feels," she says finally. "It's the most horrible feeling in the world and I'm so sorry you had to go through it."

She blinks and looks down at the sheets. "Anyone there would have become her pawn...my only chance was to face her alone. If - if I - if I failed, I knew I wasn't coming back.")

"Sometimes it's all you can do."

[blue_ajah]

"Yes," she says, simply.

Moiraine's tone is quiet and very certain, and the look in the dark eyes is understanding.

A moment's silence, and then she continues,

"But in this, at least, do not be too concerned. It is something that you will become accustomed to, and Behrooz also. I shall do what I can for him as well.

And in time you will learn how to mask the bond, and that will help with some of your concerns, I think."

[agirllost]

"Thank you, Moiraine," she says sincerely.

If Moiraine believes things will be okay, Kim will believe it too. Even if the situation feels kind of hopeless at the moment.

"There's a way to mask the bond? So that he won't -- " she tries hard not to blush at the thought.

[blue_ajah]

"There is," Moiraine tells her, and does not give any indication that she has noticed Kim's discomfiture.

"You may think of it as a shield of the mind, if you wish; a guard upon what is carried over the bond."

A pause.

"But you will need to become more familiar with its presence, first."

[agirllost]

She nods and has the feeling that she'll have a long time to become familiar with the bond.

"Yeah," she says softly and there's silence for a few moments.

"I...can't really put off telling Chase any longer, can I?"

[blue_ajah]

"That is a decision for you to make," she replies. "It is a matter between you and him, I think."

Her tone is gentle.

"But I think you already know the best answer to that question, do you not?"

[agirllost]

"I do," she takes a breath and looks up. No matter his reaction, Chase needs to know the truth, and she has to hope that he will understand. "I should go home."

[blue_ajah]

She nods.

"Light shine on you where you may go, child," Moiraine murmurs. "I will see you again when you return."

[agirllost]

"May it shine on you as well, Moiraine."

She stands and nods, wanting to put into words how grateful she is for Moiraine's guidance.

"Thank you....for everything." She walks to the door and exits into the hallway.