(no subject)

[agirllost]

Kim eventually managed to move herself to bed and she lays there, staring up at the ceiling, hoping to wake up, because this has to be a dream, it can't be reality...

She doesn't ever want to leave this bed. It's a good bed. She forced herself to feed Niles, no fair letting the fish starve because of her mistakes, and crawled back into bed.

Maybe when she next opens her eyes, her mom will be there and she'll be 15 again.

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[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

It took some time for Tony to finally leave the bathtub. He wasn't sure if the door would open, but he had to try. And it did open. Just this once. Probably not again... Tony knows where he is going. When he arrives, he lifts his hand and pauses. Nervous. Scared. Unsure. But he has to do it. Taking a deep breath, clearing his throat, he knocks on the door.

[agirllost]

Kim hears the knock.

"Come in," she says, not caring who it is...if it was something really dangerous that might even be welcomed right now.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

Deadpan. He sighs and opens the door. Lights are on. "Kim?"

She's lying on the bed.

[agirllost]

She kind of knows he's there but is still hoping this is all a dream.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

Tony sighs again. Tonight is a night of sighing, it appears. He sits on the edge of her bed and looks at her for a while--so sad, so broken. Guilt overcomes him. "I'm sorry, Kim. This was my fault." He takes a deep breath. "I should have...that night of the earthquake. I was acting selfishly. I should have thought about you and Chase before I decided to make move. None of this would have happened if it weren't for me." He leans foward, placing his head in his hands. "I'm so sorry, Kim."

[agirllost]

"It's not your fault," she whispers. "You...you're not the one who decided to lie to him."

The ache in her chest has not gone away, she absently wonders if it will ever leave.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"Yes, it is, Kim. It is my fault. I started it, I didn't stop it, I didn't do anything to stop it or tell Jack was was going on..." He wants to touch her, but he's not sure if she would be repulsed by even the slightest brush of her hair. He takes another deep breath. His hands are starting to quiver. "I know when we were at work...Michelle and I, the day the bomb went off...I-I tried to cover for Michelle when we both did something wrong. I...I tried to put the blame on myself and she wouldn't let me...She always told me I was too...protective but...I really do think it's my fault, Kim, and if you want to hate me for it..." He takes another breath. "Go ahead."

[agirllost]

She shakes her head slightly, but doesn't turn to look at him because she doesn't know what to do.

"I didn't want him to know. I'm not a kid anymore. I knew..." no she hadn't really thought about what could happen but this wouldn't even be on her list of worst case scenarios. "I knew."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

He lowers his head. "Look, Kim, if you want this to end...I don't like leaving things open, if I can help it, and...I'm not even sure about us, Kim. If we should even be together. If this is even right. And it isn't. You're with Chase. You have Angela. A family. You should be with them and not me, Kim. You don't have a future with me. So if you want to end it..."

Even though he doesn't really want it to end.

[agirllost]

Now she does look at him. "Do you think I can take anyone else leaving me?" she whispers.

"It's not...the damage's already done."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"I don't want to leave you, Kim. I just..." Breathing becomes harder, now. He buries his face in his hands. "I really don't think I'm worth it, Kim. Not compared to the other men you could be with. You deserve a lot better than me."

He raises his head and looks at her. "Do you know what I did after I had...after I talked with your dad? I lost it, Kim. I went to my room and I lost it. I don't have anything in my room now. The bar took it. It's got me on a damn suicide watch."

He turns back around. "So maybe you should reconsider me. I'm not worth it. I'm just a...a selfish, self-pitying, lazy drunk. That's all I am, Kim. That's why Michelle left me."

[agirllost]

Unfortunately, Tony is talking to a Kim who is not in the most supportive mood. But she's not feeling much of anything right now.

"Don't do that...I'm...really not worth it."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"Yes you are. I mean, this is probably a bunch of bullshit but sometimes we do make mistakes. Bad mistakes. And sometimes we do judge people based on their mistakes, but...a person's true character shows in the way they handle those mistakes. You've probably made some mistakes in the past, Kim, that you're ashamed of but...you're an amazing woman. You're smart, you're fun, you're kind, caring...okay, so you made a mistake but...at least you won't wind up like me."

[agirllost]

Part of her appreciates what he's saying..."Does your dad hate you?" she breathes after a moment.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"My father is dead." His voice cracks.

[agirllost]

Oh, God, she'd forgotten, how could she forget something like that...

She tries to breathe but it comes out a sob. "I'm sorry."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"It's okay." Another long breath. "He'd hate me if he saw what I'd become. A traitor to his country. A drunk. A...a failure."

[agirllost]

She sniffles, she has no energy to get into this conversation, to cheer up anyone else.

"You're not," she says after a moment. "You're not."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

He lets out a sob. Several. He can't stop himself. They just keep coming. He covers his face and tries to stop...tries to stop the tears, the sobs, the gasps...he can't. "I don't deserve you, Kim," he manages to say. "And you don't need me. We can't...we're not good for each other. Can't you see that? I don't want to let you go but I think you'd be bteter off with someone who's got their life together, someone who can support you and love you and help you when you're down like this. I'm just a worthless peice of shit, Kim. I'm just not worth it."

[agirllost]

She hears his words and they're kind of distant and she doesn't want to hear anything more negative or bad or hurtful or...

She listens to him sob and wants to reach out and comfort him and she can't.

"He..." and she swallows and isn't sure she'll be able to say it. "He compared me to Nina."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

The reaction is nearly instant, as if someone had flicked a switch. From sadness to anger.

"He compared you to who?"

[agirllost]

There's only maybe 4 people who know exactly what that means.

She nods, although it wasn't a question and it wasn't an answer.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

The disgust, the repulsion...he's felt it before. He remembers it clearly. Jack Bauer, director of CTU. The Knight in shining armor, according to her. Of course she was lying. Of course it was just a show, but to him, then, unknowing, unaware...he believed her charade. And hated it. Hated that she loved Jack Bauer so much despite everything he was--a cheater, a liar, a jerk, a man who didn't give a damn about his family...

Tony clenches his jaw and tightens his fist. Don't punch anything. Don't do anything bad. He's aware that Kim is upset, that Kim doesn't need anymore negativity, that Kim doesn't need... He shakes his head. Don't go that way, Tony.

"You're not like Nina."

[agirllost]

Kim lets out a sob, it's the first time she's heard that name in months and just her name can conjure up the image and the knowledge...

"He said that I manipulated and betrayed him...," and now she can cry and in a way after being unable to for over 20 hours it's a relief and in another it hurts even more.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

He's not doing anything right today. He's just making Kim sadder. Tony looks at the door for a moment. He should go. He's not helping, and Kim doesn't need him. What was he thinking? Mentioning Nina? Smooth move, Almeida. Real smooth.

But he hears Kim's cries and knows...it's not right. He can't leave. And if he left he wouldn't be taking a chance. Hadn't he talked to Chappelle about that? He couldn't run away and hide and feel sorry for himself. It wasn't good for Kim, and it wasn't good for himself.

Maybe he should be in-tune to others' needs. Maybe he shouldn't be so focused on himself. Maybe he shouldn't be such a coward--he was brave once. He could be brave again.

Tony turns, lifts a shaking hand and places it on Kim's shoulder. He looks at her. "Kim, I...I'm sorry."