(no subject)

[agirllost]

Kim eventually managed to move herself to bed and she lays there, staring up at the ceiling, hoping to wake up, because this has to be a dream, it can't be reality...

She doesn't ever want to leave this bed. It's a good bed. She forced herself to feed Niles, no fair letting the fish starve because of her mistakes, and crawled back into bed.

Maybe when she next opens her eyes, her mom will be there and she'll be 15 again.

Comments

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

He's not doing anything right today. He's just making Kim sadder. Tony looks at the door for a moment. He should go. He's not helping, and Kim doesn't need him. What was he thinking? Mentioning Nina? Smooth move, Almeida. Real smooth.

But he hears Kim's cries and knows...it's not right. He can't leave. And if he left he wouldn't be taking a chance. Hadn't he talked to Chappelle about that? He couldn't run away and hide and feel sorry for himself. It wasn't good for Kim, and it wasn't good for himself.

Maybe he should be in-tune to others' needs. Maybe he shouldn't be so focused on himself. Maybe he shouldn't be such a coward--he was brave once. He could be brave again.

Tony turns, lifts a shaking hand and places it on Kim's shoulder. He looks at her. "Kim, I...I'm sorry."

[agirllost]

She has two choices. She can either grab onto him or push him away.

"He hates me," she whispers.

And realizes Tony's touching her and she wills her hand to move but she feels hollowed out inside.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

He wants to blame himself again. He wants to hate himself again, but he can't. He can't. He simply can't, not for Kim. He has to be strong. He has to help her. He has to comfort her, even if he wants to fall back into self-pity. "That's not possible, Kim. Your father can't hate you. He's probably mad at you, yeah, and he has a right to. But he doesn't hate you. Kim, sometimes when we're angry we say things we don't mean to say, and we might not regret them until we cool down and think about what we said. But Kim...your father doesn't hate you."

[agirllost]

"He compared me to *Nina*, Tony. That's like if someone compared you to Saunders...she ruined...and he puts us in the same category. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't hate me."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

Tony's not sure what to say though he wants to say something in spite of the thoughts that are telling him to leave, to retreat... "Kim, I...I'm not sure anything I say can convince you otherwise but I know, even in spite of what you did, your father loves you. He might have compared you to Nina because he was angry. I don't know."

He wants to leave it at that. He doesn't know. That'd be his excuse to run away and leave her. Ignorance. He presses on.

"But...I worked with your father for five years. I might have thought he was careless about his family, but I never thought for a second that he didn't love his family. As for comparing you to Nina...that was pretty low, and honestly I'm a little pissed at him for saying that. But...I wish there was some kind of magic trick...some kind of potion I could use...something...something to convince you that your father doesn't hate you."

[agirllost]

She looks up at him and for the first time in hours she's really seeing something.

And there are thoughts running through her mind that now that her dad has Audrey he doesn't need this constant reminder of his past and one he's decided to let go...but she decides she has already said too much.

"Okay," she whispers, which isn't an answer but his desire to make her feel better almost sort of does.

She touches his hand, she knows this is dangerous but somehow right now she can see a hint, an almost mirage of light at the end of the tunnel.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"Kim...I know this...us...it's a little heavy to deal with right now, but I want you to know...I'm not going to run anymore. I'm not going to run from my problems and I don't want you to run from yours, either. But we do need to talk, all right?"

[agirllost]

She nods a little and swallows.

"I don't...I'm not..." She tries again. "I don't need to sleep with you Tony. But I do need you in my life." And she sounds lost.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

He nods. "If you just want to be friends..."

[agirllost]

She closes her eyes and blinks away a few tears and nods. "I just...right now..."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"I understand," he says softly.

[agirllost]

She looks up at him gratefully.

"Are you okay?"

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"I'll be okay." Just not right now.

[agirllost]

And she forces herself to move, to put her arms around him and lean her head on his shoulder and she sniffles and breathes, just needing to hold on.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

Tony lets her hold on, not sure what he could do other than be her comfort pillow...He'd done it again, invested himself in another failed relationship, ruined it again, pushed her away... Was there something wrong with him? Something that he wasn't doing right? Why hadn't he been in a successful relationship? Guess he wasn't the ladies' man women thought he was.

He had touched the sky just briefly. He'd been on top of the depression; he had it at his heel. He'd succeeded at something. Turns out he failed again.

He was sick of getting in these relationships, sick of investing himself in women who weren't that interested in him, who'd leave him in a heartbeat, who he pushed away... He knew he couldn't stop. He'd just find someone else to get involved with and watch that relationship crumble to peices. Why wouldn't the cycle end? Why couldn't he just lock himself in some monastery and hide from women from the rest of his life? Why was he always so damn clingy?

Why couldn't he just stop the cycle?

Why couldn't he just make it all end?

Why wouldn't the bar let him go home--his normal, dinky appartment with the bed sheets and the knives and the scissors and the...

"Oh, God!"

[agirllost]

"Tony? What's wrong?" And she's gone from crushed to worried, the latter being a much more comfortable emotion.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

Why does he keep doing this? Upsetting her like this? Wallowing in his own self-pity? God, why won't it stop? The cycle, the thoughts, the feelings...he's trapped...he can't get out...he wants to go home...

"I'm sorry, Kim, I shouldn't be so selfish. I shouldn't...but I keep having these bad thoughts and...they won't stop!"

[agirllost]

"Bad thoughts? Tony you're not..." And her eyes go wider.

But this is healthy in a way because at least it's not the almost catatonic state she was in for almost 24 hours.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"What? Thinking about...about suicide? Because....I am," he whispers. "I think about it all the time now. The bar, it...it took away my bedsheets and...everything I could use to hurt myself...I don't want to die, Kim, but I think about it so much I don't think I could stop myself if I tried."

[agirllost]

"I once read that a thought doesn't need to become an action."

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

"You don't know this, Kim. You don't...I try so hard sometimes not to do anything but the thoughts are so strong I can't...I can't..." He starts to sob. Selfish, he knows. He's just a selfish person. A selfish, horrible person...

[agirllost]

And she doesn't really know what to do, but this she's handled before...she saw and she carefully stopped herself from thinking about him.

She tries to calm Tony down, rubbing his back and wishing that he felt better.

But this feels productive, okay she can worry about him and not think about last night.

"I'm not letting you leave," she whispers.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

Tony can feel her hand rubbing his back, feel her comfort and concern...he just didn't want to believe it. To accept it. He didn't deserve it. He deserved death. Not life. Not this.

[agirllost]

"Just lie back," she whispers. "Don't think." And she tried to follow that advice, not thinking about how...no, she wasn't going to think at all.

She wasn't going to sleep either, not since every time she closed her eyes she saw that look in her dad's eyes...this not thinking thing was kind of hard.

[iwasalevel6.livejournal.com]

Tony lies back. He can't do anything but do as he's told. He just doesn't know what to do with himself. He closes his eyes and tries to swat away the thoughts...all sorts of images come to his mind, horrible images, yet, at the same time, gratifying...his death...the end...he'd put an end to things...Oh, God, why won't these thoughts stop? Make them stop... Tony tries to stop the sobbing, clenches his jaw and squeezes the pillow...

Eventually his whole body tires of crying and fighting. He falls asleep.