(no subject)

[agirllost]

'I am the bud, I am the flower, be the flower, feel the sun on your petals, feel yourself opening up to the Source...' she thinks as she sits crosslegged on her bed. At the moment though, she feels more like a weed than a rose.

Other things keep interrupting her practice - thoughts about her family she can't push out of her mind, worries about the future, and most of all this sensation that she's standing at the edge of a cliff and about to jump off. But she feels, for the first time in weeks, that something will catch her if she takes that first step.

Selae was a patient teacher and she answered Kim's questions without making her feel like an idiot for asking them. Some of what her teacher said was too familiar for comfort, but she listened intently, and tried to follow along.

'I am the bud. I open up to the world, I surrender to the Source...' she thinks again, trying to clear her mind.

'I've frightened them all, I've hurt them, and I don't know how I'm going to make things right again'

She almost had Saidar and it slips away, pushing her back to the beginning of trying to clear her mind.

Comments

[agirllost]

Kim opens her eyes, this time she didn't even see herself as a petal of this mythical flower.

But, she'll keep trying. She realizes her concentration was interrupted not by her own thoughts, but by a knock at the door.

She walks over and opens it, feeling both awkward and guilty.

Angie looks terrible.

"Hi."

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

Angie leans forward without hesitation and hugs her mother tightly.

"I'm sorry."

[agirllost]

She closes her eyes, fighting back tears as she hugs her in return. She'd been so afraid that she'd pushed her away, that she'd...hurt her in some way she could never repair.

"No, I'm the one who should be sorry, Angie..."

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

"No, I never act like that, just pushing and pushing..."

She generally lets people walk all over her. "I didn't mean to be so angry." She sniffles.

[agirllost]

She inwardly winces, "Angie, you didn't do anything wrong...and pushing, well, you probably get that from me," she whispers.

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

Angela half-laughs, half-sobs into Kim's shoulder. "I'd like to think I got some things from you and Grampa."

[agirllost]

She strokes her hair gently, only slightly afraid it might catch on fire.

"Trust me, you did."

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

It feels good having her hair stroked. Nobody's done that in a long time.

"Like what?" she asks softly.

[agirllost]

"Like the anger and the pushing...," she takes a breath, "And the tendency to hide..."

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

Angela nods. "It's hard not to hide, sometimes."

She knows what that's like...it's part of the reason she got so angry at Kim for hiding. She sees too much of it in herself.

[agirllost]

She nods too, "Dad got good at hiding in plain sight."

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

Angela pulls back and looks at her mother. "Really?"

She's only ever heard about how brave he was. Is.

[agirllost]

She brushes hair back from Angie's face, mimicking something her mom used to do.

"Yeah, he...he hid a lot."

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

"Lots of stuff happened to him."

It's not a question. She's only heard stories, but even the ones she's heard...

[agirllost]

Kim (and Kim's mun) reailzes they're standing in the doorway.

"Yeah...do you want to sit?"

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

Angie nods. "Yeah."

Angie goes inside and sits on the bed. Her shoulders are slumped and she looks exhausted.

"Are you...are you okay? You look better."

[agirllost]

She takes a seat next to Angie and touches her shoulder, "I'm better, I...I didn't mean to frighten you."

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

"I just...I was just worried. I'm glad you're better."

Angie chews on her lip. "I'm not going to hide anymore. I'll try not to."

[agirllost]

"I'm not either," she doesn't mention the reason why she's so sure she won't, she doesn't want to scare Angie.

"What...what have people told you about your Grandpa?"

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

"That he did a lot of things for his country, and that he was very brave. Some stuff...is also in my history book. And I did research."

She'd been curious about her grampa, so she'd done research rather than ask.

She figured it was better that way.

[agirllost]

Kim blinks, "History book?" She tries not to look shocked, really.

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, the stuff about the assassination attempts on President Palmer's life, and the nuclear bomb thing..."

She doesn't know about how Grampa nearly died with the bomb.

"There were some other terrorist attacks during the same time. I took some of the stories I'd heard and connected them together."

[agirllost]

She looks down, trying not to show her reaction to remembering the nuclear bomb.

She'll never forget that phone call.

"He is very brave," she puts her arm around her shoulders. "But he's bravest when dealing with danger, not so brave when it comes to...other things."

[angela-edmunds.livejournal.com]

Angie licks her lips and swallows. Maybe she's more like Mom and Grampa then even they know.

"Yeah?"

[agirllost]

"He...after my mom died, well, in some ways he's never really gotten over it."